Yesterday I wrote my blog about the best day in the ICU, unfortunately I didn't post the blog yesterday, not realizing until today that I hadn't hit the button to post the blog last night. Yesterdays blog is now posted. Today is a much different day.
This morning, I arrived back in the ICU. One of the patients, a sixty year old woman, had been reintubated and back on the ventilator. I went to check on the other two patients I had removed from the ventilators. The other woman was doing fine, but the man, that had been doing so well, was not doing well. I made the decision to reintubate him and put him back on the ventilator. He was struggling to get enough oxygen. I told him I was going to help him breath, he nodded. I took him off to sleep and put a tube back in and put him on the ventilator. He had thrown a pulmonary embolism despite being on full blood thinners. I and everyone in the ICU were devastated. It took me a whole hour to regroup, I was so paralyzed by despair. I thought I can't do this anymore. It was worse because I was so joyful yesterday. As I write this, I think there might be people reading this believing, I might be just dramatizing the experience. I tell you, if anything, I have left out many tragic cases, because I didn't want this blog to be all about despair. I've tried objectively to just report some of what I've seen. Today, being so defeated, I spoke with an advanced practice nurse, specialty anesthesia, certified nurse anesthetist helping here in NJ. He told me this story.
This advanced practice nurse had been working with this same patient for two weeks. Followed the patient after being removed from the ventilator, cared not only for his critical care needs, but also the patients personal needs. It is astounding. And I can only imagine the pain he is feeling. So I will continue and remember there are others that are doing far greater things than I have with patients. Thank you to everyone that is providing such touching, personal care. Not just medical care. I'm humbled to have met such people. That's all for now.
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